BORIS

’ m pleased that one of the more horrible motorcycle fads has passed . Remember those colourful camo cargo pants ? The ones that made the wearer look like drunken clowns had vomited lollies up on his nethers . The ones that took the concept of camouflage to places it could never possibly go . The ones that made you want to suplex the wearer into a furnace , especially if he had artfully matched his colourful camos to his motorcycle ’ s paintjob . And yes , I ’ m looking at a whole bunch of Gixxer riders who are now shamefully pretending it was never them . Yeah , well , that ’ s now mostly over . Though I did see one lone camo wolf still rocking them at a recent bike show . But the next wave of horror is probably even worse . Best ye prepare , pilgrims ! The little motorcycles are coming . Put up your bastard hands if you think that riding one of those Honda Groms or Kwaka Pros is some sort of acceptable thing for grown men to do . Seriously ? What ’ s wrong with you ? Was your mum molested by clowns when she was pregnant with you ? Was your daddy some cruel despot ’ s court jester ? Look , I get the whole ‘ motorcycle fun thing ’. I have lived my whole life perfecting the whole ‘ motorcycle fun thing ’. I ’ m sure there is even photographic evidence of me debasing myself on a mini-bike at some drunken barbecue and slamming into the host ’ s pet cat . Potato salad , cheap booze , and the fine company of my fellow drunks have always led me down reprehensible paths . Happily , my shame has been surrounded by superb fencing or followed by the disposal of witnesses , and thus it has remained relatively private . As it should . But this toy motorcycle thing that has come upon us in the form of the Grom and the Pro is a shame from which we may never recover as a species . Let me just clarify something before we go any further . I ’ m sure that both these toy motorcycles are well-made . I ’ m sure they both do what they are intended to do – which is a ) to transport smaller-statured third-world people around their crowded urban environments ; and b ) amuse folks who enjoy seeing tame lemurs in pants riding them around inside a circus tent . And that ’ s fine . But it is not fine that grown motorcycle men ( who are not drunk or have not lost a bet ) seem to wish to be seen in public astride one of these things . By all means ride one around your mate ’ s backyard . Ride it into his pool . Fill yourself with rum , smoke a bag of dope , tell your girlfriend to hold your beer , and try jumping one over a barbecue . Hilarious fun . But riding one for real , as a worthwhile form of transport in a city ? What part of your brain has ceased to function ?

90 KIWI RIDER