BORIS
CONVERSATIONS WITH COPS
NO . 7543
So there we were . The police inspector and me . On the side of the road . In peakhour traffic . Which was now gridlocked spectacularly because his unmarked car and my bike were blocking the left lane . The inspector was very upset . He was angry and filled with righteousness and wrath . I knew this because his hot spittle flecked my sunnies and he had bits of foam in the corners of his mouth , kinda like what horses get when you saw on their bits really hard and beat them with tomato stakes . “ You were having a great old time , weren ’ t you ?”, he thundered . “ Swinging through traffic and changing lanes without indicating ! You were doing 75km / h back there ! I saw how you used the right-hand turn lane to cut in front of that car ! That was utterly irresponsible ! Do you know how many of you idiots I ’ ve scraped off the road ? It ’ s my pet hate seeing you ride like that ! What did you think you were doing ?” I ’ m old enough to know the inspector didn ’ t actually require me to answer any of his questions . So I looked suitably contrite and murmured how I was truly sorry . “ Give me your licence !” I handed it over . He glared at it . “ Right , Boris ,” he said , and I couldn ’ t help but know he would have shot me in the face had I
replied : “ What ’ s right , Barry ? Surely not this firstname-basis thing we got going here ?” but my mouth stayed zipped as he went on . “ The next time I see you driving like that , you ’ ll have a fistful of tickets and no license .” And then he left me . But he left me wondering what would have happened had I suddenly decided to engage him by answering his questions and responding to his spit-filled diatribe . Certainly there would have been a Tasering . Which would have been followed up by a Handcuffing . And then there would have definitely been more yelling , some capsicum spraying and ultimately a good deal of charging , followed by bailing , lawyering and courting . I have been down that road before , so keeping my mouth shut , my eyes downcast and murmuring apologies was clearly the smart way forward . But this is what I should have said to the enraged gibbon with over-active salivary glands ... “ You were having a great old time , weren ’ t you ?” Well , yes . As much of a great old time as one can have trying to stay alive and not perish under the wheels of the blind , brainless retards it ’ s your job to police . And while I don ’ t think riding through peak hour is up there with carving a mountain road on a hot summer ’ s day and partying with strippers , I ’ ll take what I can get these days .
96 KIWI RIDER