BORIS
ATGANFI ...
Hands up those of you who took up motorcycling because it was a safe and economical way of getting around . Yes . OK . Go stand over there . Now , hands up those of you who think fluoro vests and all the passive safety gear your credit card can buy makes you safer on a bike . Good . You lot go and stand with the other idiots . Let ’ s now have a show of hands from the people who think there ’ s always some external reason why you fell off your motorcycle . You know , like the car didn ’ t see you , or there was gravel on the road , or you had new tyres , or the camber on the corner you missed was all wrong ? Excellent . Please go and join the burgeoning crowd of arseclowns who are now milling in confusion and angrily trembling with the intent to write hysterical emails to Editor Ben calling for my instant dismissal . See how you get on . Not well , I ’ ll bet . Pretty much like motorcycling then , which is not working for you at all , and which subsequently begs the question : Why are you even doing it ? Because you ’ re not doing it properly . No , really . You ’ re not . Yes , yes , I know that there are lots of you stiff-backed , frozen-in-place mouthbreathers spearing off our roads and into poles , trees , and car radiators every weekend . But just cos there ’ s lots of you , doesn ’ t actually mean you have any
right to ride among us . You are like cockroaches in that regard , and have , through your governmentbacked proliferation and ensuing ubiquity , become the vermin of the motorcycling world . I see you all the time . I read your vacuous garbage on various “ motorcycle ” forums ( which should actually be renamed “ forums full of insufferable dickheads who own bikes ”) and on any Sunday , I see you all clustered in various Macca ’ s carparks preparing to head out on the roads and crash your worthless brains out . You are the ATGATT ( All The Gear All The Time ) morons . You should rename yourself ATGANFI ( All The Gear And No F ** ken Idea ), as my mate Frog suggested . Because what none of you imbeciles seem to get is that not all the gear on this great planet , covered by all the fluoro ever made , is going to save you from , or make up for you being a crap rider . And as you ’ re being turned into a greasy kebab under front axle of a nice truck , you ’ ll be shocked to find your smarmy ATGATT attitude contributed absolutely nothing to preventing you from exchanging fluids with a big black Goodyear . “ Oh , but it will mitigate the injuries ,” I hear you squeal , as if that ’ s some kind of defence . Not falling off will mitigate them a lot more , don ’ t you think ? A few weeks ago , some mates and I took an L-Plater out for his first ride . Paul bought a bike on Wednesday , on Sunday he was busily clocking up
88 KIWI RIDER