rail, put one hand there. Different bikes require
different pillion arrangements and what works on
a sportsbike, will not work on a cruiser. Your rider
should be able to assist you in this regard. Do not
be afraid to ask. If you don’t ask, we will assume
you know. We will only realise you had no idea
when you hurtle off the back and a car runs you
over. And then we will move on with our lives.
Oh, and if there is a piece of looped vinyl or some
kind of strap that runs across the seat, and the rider
tells you to hold onto that, call a cab and leave. The
man is obviously an idiot. Those vinyl straps, which are
thankfully disappearing from motorcycles, are the
worst things in the world
for a pillion to hold onto.
Whoever originally thought
a loop which either juts out
from the seat between
your legs like some kind
of flattened alien organ,
or bisects the seat into
rider and pillion sections
requiring the rider to sit
on your clenched fists as
he rides, was a special kind
of stupid. Grab rail and/or
rider. That’s what you hang
onto.
over the rider’s head. Each has its own issues.
If you can’t see what’s going on ahead, and
sometimes this is a blessing, you need to ‘feel’
what’s happening. The best way to do this is to
push yourself gently against the rider and respond
to his ‘body English’. If he’s bracing due to brakes,
then you need to brace. Bonking your helmet
into the back of his each time he comes to a stop
is really annoying, and you would not be the first
pillion left on the side of a scary highway full of
randy truck-drivers at three in the morning.
If he’s leaning or moving his body in a certain
direction, you need to do likewise. If you do not do
this, the bike struggles
to go around corners like
it should, so sometimes
it doesn’t. The best-case
scenario for you here if
you repeatedly refuse
to go with the flow is a
randy truck driver. The
worst is a motorcycle
high-side. Google it. It’s
far more spectacular than
a randy truck driver.
Now if you can see
over the rider’s head,
or you’re one of
those Nosy Nellies who likes to peer over the
riders shoulder, do not anticipate things.
Motorcycle riders are the worst offenders here.
Yeah, you ride, and now you’re on the back, and
the pilot is not doing it like you’d do it, right? So
you try and help. You anticipate braking when
there is no braking. You lean too much or too
little, or you try and sit the bike up because that’s
not the apex you think he should be taking.
I myself am hugely guilty of this sin.
If you ever see two men next to a single
motorcycle on the side of the road, beating
each other like Greek fishwives over a tub
of anchovies, it’s a pillion dispute. Drive on.
It will resolve itself without your input.
So to recap...
Mind where you put your feet.
Do not dangle.
Be an active part of the ride, but
remember you’re not doing the riding.
Oh, and always offer to pay for petrol.
If you ever see two men next
to a single motorcycle on the
side of the road, beating each
other like Greek fishwives
over a tub of anchovies,
it’s a pillion dispute
YOU ARE NOT RIDING
Now that we’re moving, do not ride. The
rider is doing the riding. You’re just assisting.
And your assistance is crucial because now
you’re on the back, the bike no longer handles
like it should, and you’re ruining the whole
experience of the ride for the rider.
It’s a physics thing. And motorcycle physics
hates pillions because there’s too much weight
too high up and too far back over the rear
axle of the bike. And you’re really only being
pillioned because there’s no other choice. You’re
either too hot to leave behind, or you’re a good
mate. Or the cops are coming and everyone
needs to get out of there as quickly as possible.
Or a combination of those three things.
Anyway, once we’re moving, you need to pay
attention. It’s perfectly possible you cannot see
anything except the back of the rider’s helmet,
or you could be on a bike where your view is