BORIS
DON ’ T LIE ...
It would be nice if the next time you heard someone say “ I had to lay the bike down ”, you take a chair and belt him in the face with it . Then back it up by stomping him until the police hose you with pepper spray . It ’ s certainly what I ’ m considering . Because it really is the only recourse left when one is confronted with such a statement . For that statement encompasses everything that is wrong with many of the people who ride motorcycles today . Let us look at what that statement is about . At face value , it is ( and is meant to be ) a declaration of skill in terms of collision avoidance . You are meant to understand , applaud , and appreciate the rider low-sided his bike to avoid impact with a car . Or a tree . Or a werewolf . It normally goes like this , “ Yeah , I was just riding along and this car / tree / werewolf came out of a street and I had to lay the bike down to avoid hitting it ”. It is right at this point you need to pick up a chair and swing it into the muppet ’ s face as hard as you can . And then say to him as he lays there with his eyes rolling around in his head , gagging on broken teeth and cheekbones : “ You lie ! Stop lying ! Do not lie again !” Because he is lying .
He didn ’ t purposefully and with great skill lay the bike down to avoid colliding with something . He crashed . Like a bitch . A stupid , panicked , I ’ m-shit-at-this bitch . He was riding along , something came out of a side-street , he befouled himself , grabbed all the brakes in the world , closed his eyes and slapped himself onto the roadway like a wet dishrag being flung into the sink . There was no skill in this . No intent . He really didn ’ t plan for it to go like this when the object appeared . But he wants you to think it did . He wants you to nod appreciatively at his display of riding prowess . A lesser rider would have hit that car / tree / werewolf . A lesser rider would not have had the presence of mind backed up with the skill of professional stunt-rider to “ lay the bike down ”. But he did . And that is a lie and that is why he needs to eat a chair . He didn ’ t hit the car / tree / werewolf out of sheer luck . The same luck that ensured his entry into this world was via the aid of a mid-wife rather than a piece of Sorbent . Of course , sometimes the bike is thrown onto the roadway and still hits the car / tree / werewolf , in which case the blame will be apportioned accordingly , ie . At the car / tree / werewolf , and it will be a case of : “ It just came out . I couldn ’ t do anything .”
86 KIWI RIDER